Darlene, My Tea Party Cousin

She blew into town like some horrible right-wing hurricane, with more warped opinions than Michele Bachmann and more hot air than an Arabian sirocco. My cousin is on her way to Galveston to look at some beach property she plans to buy. Darlene and I are polar opposites, chalk and cheese. We have been tearing at each others’ throats for almost half a century. We used to fight over toys, then boys, now we argue about politics and religion. I would like to say that she is the crazy one in the family but unfortunately they’re all like this.

Anyway, I thought it might be amusing to “interview” Darlene for the blog. She’s a Texas Republican, diehard Southern Baptist, Tea Party activist, and Sarah Palin devotee. Darlene wanted me to record the conversation so I didn’t misquote her, but for some reason video makes her nervous and I was only able to assemble a few clips when she didn’t realize the camera was running. My Canon PowerShot isn’t a camcorder but it puts out decent video – and it took my cousin awhile to figure out what the little blinking red light meant. Below is 53 seconds of Darline in action:

So I put the camera down. I was afraid Darlene was going to smash it over my head.

ProPup: Why do you dislike President Obama?
Darlene: Besides the fact that he’s a communist? Besides the fact he’s taking away our liberty and our guns and running America into the ground? I don’t like the way he speaks, for one thing. He talks like he thinks he’s better than everybody else. He uses fancy code words. Sean Hannity is on to him. Sarah Palin, too. Damn, I admire that woman. Sarah knows what’s going on in this country. The way you liberals persecute her is shame. Shame on you!
ProPup: And the President?
Darlene: Obama has shifty eyes. I’d trust him as far as I can throw him. I’d like to throw him all the way back to Kenya, or wherever the hell he was born. And it has nothing to do with him being a black man. I like black people.
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ProPup: And gays?
Darlene: Well that sure didn’t take long. I wondered how soon you’d start in with the gay stuff.
ProPup: So?
Darlene: Now you know l Iove you and Art but y’all aren’t like most homosexuals.
ProPup: And what are most homosexuals like?
Darlene: Gay pride parades, floats with naked men, TV – Lord, you can’t turn on the television set these days without being bombarded by gay this, lesbian that. It’s disturbing.
ProPup: Why is it disturbing?
Darlene: Because I’m a Christian woman and I don’t need to be watching that behavior in my living room. That girl from Mississippi? Wanted to go to the prom in a tuxedo? A tuxedo! And bring her so-called girlfriend to dance with and kiss on and God knows what else. Good Lord, she doesn’t know what she is. She’s 17-years-old! Kids should be required to date the opposite sex. They don’t need all this gender confusion. I heard about it on “Ellen,” by the way – and yes, I do watch Ellen DeGeneres and yes I know she’s a homosexual. But would it kill her to wear a skirt once in awhile? Really, if she’d put on some makeup and do something with that hair she’d have guys falling all over her.
ProPup: Is your objection to homosexuality based on the Bible?
Darlene: Mainly, yes. Males and females compliment each another. That’s why God designed them to fit together. Square pegs don’t fit inside round holes. It’s just a matter of finding the right mate and doing what comes natural.
ProPup: What about me and Art?
Darlene: It’s too late for y’all. You been together too long. I’ve been trying to talk sense into you my whole life. In one ear and out the other, that’s where my advice goes. If I were you, I wouldn’t dress warm come Judgment Day.
ProPup: Let’s move on to health care.
Darlene: Yes. Let’s.

(There’s more, if you can stand it, after the jump…)

ProPup: Health care reform?
Darlene: I never thought I’d live to see the day when America became a socialist society. But that’s what’s happened. Health care. Hmph. Health scare is more like it. I don’t want Big Brother telling me which doctor I have to go to. What if they make me go to a lesbian gynecologist? God only knows where that would lead.
ProPup: You’re joking, right?
Darlene: I never joke about my vagina. The fact is, I wouldn’t want any liberal doctor poking around down there. Look, liberals and atheists have no core values, no moral anchor. They give into temptation at the drop of a hat. That’s what my preacher says, and I believe him. Values come from the Ten Commandments. Case closed.
ProPup: Are you happy with the health care you’ve been getting under the old system?
Darlene: Well, it’s too expensive and that’s a fact. My co-pays keep going up.
ProPup: And whose fault is that?
Darlene: The Democrats. Tax and spend, tax and spend. If they’d keep their noses out of big business and let the free market system do what it’s meant to do – protect average citizens from the federal government – then everything would be fine. But no, that Pelosi woman and her gang of fascists keep interfering with the natural order of things. Good health care makes a profit, bad health care won’t. Let the free enterprise system work like it’s supposed to. Liberty and justice for all God-fearing Americans, that’s my motto.

Darlene finds a book written by evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins. She doesn’t approve.

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ProPup: Do you spend much time surfing the Internet?
Darlene: Yes, and I also tune in to Fox News every day so go ahead and slam me for that. I love the Glenn Beck Show. Whenever that man starts crying it just breaks my heart. Why can’t you people leave him alone? What did he ever do to you? He should run for president.
ProPup: What are some of your favorite websites?
Darlene: Well, your Progressive Puppy sure as hell doesn’t make the list – no offense, Little Brother. (She reaches down and scratches my black lab on the noggin. Little Brother rewards her with a couple of tail thumps.) Let’s see. I like World Net Daily and Renew America and the Red State blog, all the ones you hate.
ProPup: Fair enough.
Darlene: Forewarned is forearmed. I prefer to read articles written by real patriots that treat the Bible with the respect it deserves.
ProPup: I try to treat the Bible with the respect it, uh, deserves.
Darlene: Your sarcasm underwhelms me.
ProPup: How close are your ties to the Tea Party movement?
Darlene: I am a member in good standing with the Dallas Tea Party Patriots. I’ve attended a few rallies. These are good people. Real hardworking Americans.
ProPup: They seem to yell a lot. There’s a lot of anger…
Darlene: That’s just for the TV cameras. They’re as normal as I am. Mostly we just stand around and talk. I had a sign that said “Obama, Tread on This” with a picture of a jackass underneath. (Darlene laughs and laughs.) I took old Aunt Peg to a rally once. She didn’t want to go, and when we got there she complained the entire time. She refused to use the port-a-potty, said it was unsanitary. I told her “Fine, let Freedom crumble because you have to go to the bathroom.” We didn’t stay for the whole thing and I didn’t get to hear Governor Perry’s speech. But I met lots of new friends that day. I always do. Tea Party folks are so neighborly. It’s like I’ve known them forever.
ProPup: So what do you talk about at these rallies?
Darlene: Health care. Taxes. What else?
ProPup: You don’t like paying taxes.
Darlene: Do you? I’d rather throw my hard-earned money to the four winds. At least it might land somewhere it’ll do some good. Now turn that damn recorder off. Let’s go get something to eat. I feel like a chicken-fried steak and there’s a Wrangler Rick’s down by the highway.

“Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.” – Byron

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