When Hell is Full of Homophobes

"The mind is its own place, and in itself. Can make a heav’n of hell, a hell of heav’n."  - Paradise Lost

To: Saint Peter, Heaven's Gate
From:  The Office of Selfishness and Deceit
Location:  Earth's Core

It has come to the attention of the Prince of Darkness that He Who Rules Heaven has lately been entrusting to our eternal care an increasing number of persons whose greatest earthly offense appears to be their hatred of homosexuals.  Although our standard policy for admittance has always been "the more the merrier," we find this sudden influx of homophobic souls placing an undue burden on our already-strained resources.  Frankly, with the depletion of fossil fuels on the planet, we're having trouble acquiring enough combustible materials to keep the already-damned in perpetual agony...  per your own request, I might add. 

While we do appreciate the fact that the number of gay and lesbian, transgendered, etc, persons checking into our facilities has dwindled over the past few hundred years (which lightens the load, thankfully), it seems unfair that we're now expected to endure these intolerant Baptists, Catholics, Pentecostals, and breakaway Episcopalians who are, in any case, only following the injunctions laid down in YOUR Holy Bible.  (And Mormons!  We are positively swimming in Mormons!)

This situation cannot be expected to continue.  We are quite simply running out of space, and can no longer provide shelter (or sufficient torment) for all the sinners you send our way.  So be forewarned:  Hell will no longer be accepting homophobes.  We. Do. Not. Want. Them. Here.  From this point on, all gay-hating Christians will be transported to the interior of Uranus.  There, they can freeze their self-righteous asses off for all eternity.

Sincerely Yours, Beelzebub

Secretary to Lucifer, Whom God Abandoned        

Comments

[Trent]

lol - Times are bad when hell won't have ya!