The Agony Column Reviews

It is an irony of human nature that the people who most often seek advice are the ones least likely to take it.  Nevertheless, advice columns have been dispensing wisdom since the middle of the 19th century when they were commonly called ‘agony’ columns (as reading them often proved to be).  People have always been drawn to these gossipy screeds because they provide a fascinating (and blessedly brief) window into the lives of strangers.  Ann Landers and Dear Abby are probably the two most recognized advice givers on the planet, appearing in thousands of newspapers daily - but advice columns in general have enjoyed a resurgence in popularity ever since the Internet broadcast that first bare breast to millions of mesmerized teenagers.

Below we’ve reviewed seven of these online fonts of profundity so that now you’ll know where to find a disinterested opinion on that unfaithful lover, overbearing boss, or nosy neighbor. (Rated one out of five stars.)

Dear Prudence - Emily Yoffe’s columns can be addicting. Her advice on ‘manners and morals’ is both clever and perceptive. I wish I could say the same for the animated videos that occasionally accompany them. Lose the vids, Slate, or hire better animators. ****

Dear Judy - From CheckoutLine.org, this rather macabre offering bills itself as the first online advice column for the terminally ill (and their friends and relatives).  These aren't the most uplifting letters you'll ever read - but the questions posed and the replies given are thoughtful and inspiring. *****  

Dear Mrs. Web - Dreary and provincial, Mrs. Webb offers unimaginative advice to equally unimaginative questioners. There’s a ‘clippings’ section where her website is praised by the right-wing nuts at  World Net Daily. That alone should tell you where her buns are buttered. Progressives beware. **

Since You Asked - Cary Tennis at Salon is probably the most reflective advice giver of the bunch. The letters he receives are long and published without any apparent editing - and his responses can be even longer - but Tennis always tackles readers’ queries in an insightful and amusing manner. *****  

Savage Love - Rude, crude and often hysterical (in both senses of the word), Dan Savage counsels folks with sexual problems and hang-ups. Although the probers’ questions would make a Portuguese sailor blush, Dan’s responses - equally raw - contain enough humor to render them compelling.  (Also, Dan is a devilishly handsome.)  **** 

Dear Uncle Ezra - This column is part of the Cornell Information Network. Although the questioners are mainly attendees of that university, Ezra’s levelheaded advice should appeal to students everywhere. ***

Ask Dog - While ‘Dog’s’ advice isn’t absolutely meritless, his attempts at humor feel strained and sophomoric, which is probably appropriate since his fan base seems comprised of middle schoolers. (And the cadence of their sentences is suspiciously like the columnist’s.)  **

(There's more, including Dear Abby's first letter, after the jump...)

Peter Hartlaub at The San Francisco Chronicle writes an interesting article about how Dear Abby - in those days spelled "Abbey" - landed her first job as an advice columnist with his paper, back in 1956.  (Read it here.)  Pauline Phillips, known to the world as Abigail Van Buren, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 1995.  At that point her daughter Jeanne Phillips took over the syndicated column.

This is the very first letter that Abby/Abbey received and answered, courtesy of SF Gate:

Dear Abbey,

I have never written to a paper for advice before but need help desperately and cannot talk to my family or friends about my problem. I am a private secretary to a well-known executive in the Bay Area. I have been employed by him for five years. You may think this sounds cheap, but we are deeply in love. His wife speaks to him only when she wants money, and he has no respect or affection for her. He has told me repeatedly that I am the woman he loves but we can't consider marriage because it would ruin him financially and socially. In addition to an excellent salary, he has given me an automobile, a fur coat and he pays my rent. When he takes business trips, I always go along. I am not getting any younger, yet I feel one day he will make me his wife. What do you think? 

Signed, Confident

Dear Confident,

I think your boss is a super salesman! He certainly did a terrific job when he convinced an intelligent girl like you to give up a decent, respectable life of her own to be available when he whistles. Of course he won't marry you. Why should he? He is getting the whole show for the price of the amusement tax.

Some things never change. (sigh) 

Hope Wilbanks has a page about how to start your own online advice column, a prospect to me about as appealing as oral surgery - but those interested in pursuing such a venture could do worse than following Hope's, ahem, advice.

(Pictured: Dears Ann and Abby, Dan Savage, and Emily Yoffe)

(Crossposted in a earlier incarnation on the Neon Zipper.)

Comments

[Judy Bachrach]

Thanks for all the stars, PP!! I just wanted to say -- we try to be amusing on www.thecheckoutline.org. Yes the column is mostly for friends, relatives and lovers of those who are terminally ill, but the questions -- next week a reader wants to know what to do about taxes now that his accountant dropped dead -- can put the fun back in funerals.
(and boy are you right about Mrs. Webb....) --best, Judy