Holiday Violence (plus other mishaps and absurdities)

In San Antonio, the driver of a speeding pickup told police that God ordered him to crash into a woman's sedan and "take her off the road" because she "wasn't driving right." When the truck rear-ended the car it was traveling in excess of 100mph. Surprisingly, neither driver was seriously injured and authorities found no evidence that alcohol or drugs contributed to the incident. (One wag at the Houston Chronicle suggested that the man might qualify for a job with Kentucky's Homeland Security.) At a Wal-Mart in Long Island, New York, an employee of the retail giant was trampled to death as thousands of early morning shoppers rushed to enter the store. Several people were hurt in the crush, including a pregnant woman who was taken to a nearby hospital. (Mother and baby are both doing fine.) Not to be outdone, Toys-R-Us shoppers in Palm Desert were treated to an in-store gunfight after two customers got into an argument at the checkout line. As bargain hunters jumped for cover the men ran down the aisles firing their weapons at each other. Both men died and several Hannah Montana dolls were injured. Out of respect for the victims the store was closed - for the afternoon.

Turning to less violent news, a gift shop at the Miller Park Zoo in Illinois is selling Christmas tree ornaments made from reindeer turds. As reported on Yahoo News:  "The droppings are dried, then clear-coated and either painted or rolled in glitter. Zoo marketing director Susie Ohley has named the products Magical Reindeer Gem Ornaments, and each comes with a label of authenticity." (I really must have one of these, for that "label of authenticity" if nothing else. Hmm, what do you suppose it says? "This lovely ornament was created using genuine reindeer shit.")  Moving right along, residents in Shadyside Village, Pennsylvania, were told they must turn off the taps this Thanksgiving after the DEP found high concentrations of fecal coliform in their water supply. Environmental officials think the contamination may have been caused by a sewage system malfunction. (Let's hope it's as simple as that.)  And a writer over at TMZ ate crow instead turkey for his holiday meal. The entertainment supersite had previously claimed that the headmistress of Oprah Winfrey's Leadership Academy for Girls had been charged with abusing her students. It now appears that Nomvuto Mzamane wasn't even suspected of this crime, much less arrested. Since TMZ doesn't name the post's original author and today's apology is only credited to "staff," we must assume that no one there is legally responsible for Mzamane's ruined reputation. Sarah Palin's farcical turkey pardoning photo-op has been covered by blogs from here to Uranus, so I really have nothing worthwhile to contribute to that - but I did notice during the carnage that Sarah's hair kept its shape.